Parenting is never simple but when your teenager struggles with anxiety or starts withdrawing from life, it can feel like you’re walking through uncharted territory. Maybe your teen is refusing school, shutting down during conversations, or constantly overwhelmed by worry – and no matter what you try, nothing seems to help.
This is a deeply lonely place for many parents. I’ve been there. But here’s the truth – parenting anxious teens requires a balanced approach. It’s not about finding the “right fix,” but about creating safety, connection, and calm both for your teen and yourself.
As a holistic counsellor, I work with mums who are juggling the exhaustion of worry while trying to hold the family together. And I have lived experience with this too – and what I’ve learned is that compassion and nervous system awareness are powerful tools.
This article will explore why anxiety shows up in teens, how it affects the brain and body, and what you can do to respond with steadiness and love.
Why Anxiety and Avoidance Show Up in Teens
The Brain in Transition
Teenagers’ brains are still under construction. The prefrontal cortex (the part responsible for rational decision-making, impulse control, and planning) doesn’t fully mature until around age 25. This means teens often process experiences through the amygdala (the brain’s alarm system) more quickly than through logic. Anxiety is the amygdala stuck on high alert.
The Body’s Safety Switch
Polyvagal theory helps explain why anxious or avoidant behaviours appear. The vagus nerve, which connects the brain to the body, constantly scans for safety.
- When teens feel safe – they can engage, connect, and learn.
- When they feel unsafe – their nervous system shifts into fight, flight, or freeze.
Avoidance (shutting down, withdrawing) is a freeze response. Anxiety (worry, panic, overthinking) is a fight/flight response. Neither is a choice – it’s the body’s survival instinct.
Understanding this helps you to see that your teen’s behaviour is not as defiance or laziness, but a nervous system doing its best to cope.
Below, I share five things to consider as you navigate your teens anxiety or avoidance.
1. Start with Your Own Nervous System
If your teen is in fight, flight, or freeze, the best thing you can do is regulate your own nervous system first. Teens mirror the emotional energy of those around them. If you are panicked, lecturing, or anxious, their body will sense it and escalate.
Simple grounding practices:
- 3 Deep Breaths: Inhale slowly for 4, exhale for 6. Do this before you respond.
- Feet on the Floor: Notice the ground beneath you, reminding your body you are safe.
- Hand on Heart: Place a hand on your chest and breathe—this activates the vagus nerve and signals calm.
When you regulate first, you become the steady anchor your anxious teen needs.
You can download a list of simple calming technique here.
2. Choose Connection Over Correction
We can often respond to avoidance or anxiety with lectures, problem-solving, or consequences. But anxious teens don’t need fixing, they need connection.
Try these shifts:
- Instead of: “Why are you acting like this?” → Try: “I can see this feels really hard for you.”
- Instead of: jumping straight to advice → Try: listening without interrupting.
- Instead of: minimising feelings (“It’s not that bad”) → Try: validating them (“I hear you. This sounds really stressful.”).
Neuroscience insight: Validation calms the amygdala, which helps your teen’s brain return to balance.
You can download a list of scripts that offer subtle shifts in how you talk to your teen on this page.
3. Create Safe Spaces for Communication
Not all teens can sit down for a “serious talk.” Anxiety often makes words hard to find. Instead, create spaces where communication feels safer:
- Side-by-side activities (walking, driving, cooking) make it easier to open up.
- Notes or journaling let teens express themselves without pressure.
- Body cues: Sometimes, simply sitting nearby, without forcing conversation, is enough to say “I’m here.”
When you reduce pressure, your teen’s nervous system feels safer, making connection more likely.
4. Support the Body, Not Just the Mind
Anxiety isn’t only mental, it’s deeply physical. Holistic parenting means supporting the whole system. Encourage routines that soothe the body and signal safety:
- Movement: Walking, yoga, or any enjoyable exercise helps burn off stress hormones.
- Sleep rituals: Dim lights, screens off, calming routines before bed support nervous system regulation.
- Nourishment: Balanced meals and hydration stabilise energy and mood.
Even small shifts – a warm bath, gentle stretching, or mindful breathing – can help anxious teens feel more grounded. When the body feels safe and supported, the mind follows.
5. Shift from People-Pleasing to Presence
As mums we can bend over backwards for our kids, over-functioning in hopes of easing our teen’s anxiety. While it comes from love, it can unintentionally reinforce avoidance. Teens don’t need us to rescue them from every discomfort – they need us to be calm, consistent, and present.
When I realised this and moved from my tendency to people-please and “help” all the time and learned about holding space for our daughter and listening deeply with full presence to what was going on for her, things started to shift in out family.
You still set boundaries but with compassion. Show your teen that it’s safe to feel big emotions and that they don’t have to face them alone. Your presence, not perfection, is what heals
Seeking Extra Support
Sometimes, despite your best efforts, your teen may need professional help. It’s important to talk to a GP and consider what therapy might work for you both.
Signs to look for include:
- Persistent school refusal.
- Panic attacks or ongoing physical symptoms.
- Withdrawal from friends, hobbies, or family.
- Self-harm or talk of hopelessness.
From my experience, traditional talk therapy wasn’t that useful for our daughter but it did help me. Taking a whole body approach means considering what support your teen needs and what they are open to – for both the mind and body (which are interconnected).
Some therapies to consider include holistic counselling, somatic therapy, and EFT tapping, along with learning meditation and breathwork which can be done at home or in a small group environment.
Parenting anxious teens is one of the hardest roles you’ll ever face. But it’s also an invitation to slow down, regulate your own nervous system, and meet your teen with compassion instead of correction.
By understanding the brain and body’s stress responses, you can approach your teen’s struggles with steadiness and empathy.
Remember: anxiety isn’t a life sentence. With connection, safety, and holistic support, your teen can move out of overwhelm to learning how to regulate their emotions and nervous system so that the challenges of the teens years become more manageable.
Next Steps…
- Download my free Anxiety SOS Checklist below – a simple, practical guide on what to do and say (for yourself and your teen) when your they spiral into anxiety
- Keep an eye out for my Anxiety Support Toolkit (coming soon!) – it will give you scripts, tools, and resources to help you feel calm and confident in those overwhelming parenting moments.
- Explore deeper support through my Calm Reset Program and 1:1 holistic counselling sessions.
Have questions? DM me in Instagram or Facebook or contact me here.
REGISTER YOUR DETAILS BELOW TO RECEIVE MY FREE ANXIETY SOS CHECKLIST FOR MUMS OF TEENS:
