If you’re a mum watching your teen shut down, lash out, or spiral with anxiety, it can feel like nothing is working – no matter how many strategies, appointments, or parenting books you try.
What if the answer wasn’t more doing, but more understanding?
Enter polyvagal theory – a science-backed framework that helps us understand the nervous system and why we (and our teens) react the way we do when life feels too much. Learning this can be a game-changer, especially for parents who feel overwhelmed and for teens who are not coping with school or life in general.
What Is Polyvagal Theory?
Polyvagal theory, developed by Dr. Stephen Porges, explains how our autonomic nervous system—essentially our body’s “survival wiring” responds to stress. It’s not just “fight or flight.” In fact, our nervous system has three main states:
- Ventral Vagal (Safety & Connection) – When we feel calm, connected, and socially engaged.
- Sympathetic (Fight or Flight) – When we feel anxious, angry, or hyper-alert.
- Dorsal Vagal (Shutdown) – When we feel hopeless, numb, or disconnected.
Our body moves between these states depending on what it perceives—often unconsciously—as safe or threatening.
Why This Matters for Overwhelmed Mothers
Many mums feel like they’re constantly snapping, shutting down, or spiraling into guilt. This isn’t because you’re a bad parent—it’s because your nervous system is trying to protect you.
Understanding polyvagal theory for parents helps you realise:
- You’re not broken, you’re dysregulated.
- You can’t calmly parent a dysregulated teen if you’re also in a state of threat or collapse.
- Co-regulation (helping your teen feel safe by being calm yourself) starts with your own nervous system.
When you begin to notice your body’s cues and support yourself with regulation strategies, parenting becomes less reactive and more responsive.
What About Teens Who Aren’t Coping?
Many teens today are spending most of their time in sympathetic (fight/flight) or dorsal (shutdown) states. If your teen:
- Can’t get to school
- Explodes in anger or anxiety
- Spends hours zoned out in their room…
…it’s likely their nervous system is overwhelmed.
They’re not choosing to “misbehave.” They’re trying to survive.
Understanding polyvagal theory for parents means we shift from “what’s wrong with them?” to “what’s happening in their nervous system?” This opens up space for empathy, regulation, and healing.
5 Ways to Apply Polyvagal Insights at Home
- Start with Self-Regulation
Use breathwork, grounding, or movement to help yourself return to a calm state before engaging with your teen. - Look for Nervous System Cues
Instead of reacting to the behaviour, ask – Are they in fight, flight, or freeze? What might they need to feel safer? - Create Predictability
Routines and rituals help the nervous system feel safe. Even small habits like morning hugs or nightly check-ins help. - Use Your Voice and Presence
A soft tone, warm eye contact, and open posture can help your teen’s system shift back into safety mode. - Offer Co-Regulation, Not Control
When your teen is spiralling, focus on connection, not correction. Say: “I’m here with you,” rather than “Calm down.”
Why Learning About Polyvagal Theory Is Empowering
For mums who feel powerless, learning about the nervous system brings clarity and compassion.
You stop seeing yourself as “too emotional” or your teen as “disrespectful”, and start seeing two overwhelmed nervous systems doing their best.
This shift can restore peace in your home, and in your heart.
So if you’re feeling overwhelmed and your teen is struggling, understanding polyvagal theory is a powerful first step. It gives you a map to navigate the chaos with more calm, connection, and compassion.
And the best part? You don’t have to get it perfect. Just learning to notice and name what’s happening inside of you is a great first step.
Need help putting this into practice?
You don’t have to figure it all out alone. My programs and counselling sessions are grounded in nervous system-informed parenting and mindfulness strategies.
My FREE GUIDE “What to do wen you are about to lose it” offers tips on noticing when your and your teens nervous system is regulated, ways to calm the body and mind, and communicate differently so you can both regulate first then respond calmly.
Want deeper support? Discover more parenting resources HERE and more about Holistic Counselling HERE.
Have questions? DM me in Instagram or Facebook or contact me here.
