As a mother, having an anxious teenager in the house can be heartbreaking and frustrating. I know first hand, having a daughter who often could not physically get herself out of bed, dressed, out the door or walking through the school gates in her teenage years.
They withdraw, snap at you over small things, or shut down totally when you try to talk. It can feel like they’re pushing you away—but beneath the surface, their nervous system is in overdrive.
This is such an important thing to understand when you have an anxious teenager in the house. The body is stuck, they don’t understand what’s going on and they may not even have the words to explain what’s happening inside them.
Understanding anxiety through the lens of the nervous system and emotional regulation can help you respond in a way that supports your teen rather than unintentionally adding to their stress. Learning this was a game changer for me.
Below I share what an anxious teenager is trying to tell you and some of the ways you can help.
The Nervous System and Anxiety: What’s Happening Inside
Anxiety isn’t just “in the mind”—it’s deeply rooted in the nervous system. When a teenager feels overwhelmed, their body shifts into fight, flight, freeze, or fawn mode, driven by their autonomic nervous system (ANS).
- Fight: They become irritable, argumentative, or defiant.
- Flight: They avoid conversations, school, or social events.
- Freeze: They shut down, dissociate, or appear uninterested.
- Fawn: They people-please and put others’ needs before their own.
This is not a choice—it’s a survival response. Their prefrontal cortex, responsible for logic and reasoning, takes a back seat when their amygdala, the brain’s fear centre, perceives a threat (even if that “threat” is an upcoming test or social situation).
How Your Response Shapes Their Anxiety
Your teen is watching how you react to their distress. If they feel judged, rushed, or dismissed, their nervous system will stay on high alert. On the other hand, if they feel safe and understood, their system can begin to regulate.
Studies show that co-regulation—where a calm, attuned adult helps a dysregulated child feel safe, plays a critical role in emotional development (Porges, 2011). So, your ability to regulate your own emotions directly impacts your teen’s ability to regulate theirs.
What Your Anxious Teen Needs from You
Here’s what your anxious teenager is really trying to tell you — and how you can support them:
1. “I need you to be my calm, not my critic.”
- Instead of saying: “Just calm down. You’re overreacting.”
- Try: “I can see this feels really overwhelming for you right now. I’m here.”
Your nervous system sets the tone. If you respond with frustration or panic, their system mirrors that. Take deep breaths, lower your voice, and slow your movements.
2. “I can’t think logically right now.”
- Instead of saying: “Why are you worrying? It’s not a big deal.”
- Try: “It makes sense that you feel this way. Let’s take a moment before we figure out what to do next.”
When your teen is anxious, their thinking brain is offline. Validate their feelings before offering solutions. This helps their nervous system shift from sympathetic (high alert) to parasympathetic (calm).
3. “I need safety before solutions.”
- Instead of saying: “Just do this, and you’ll feel better.”
- Try: “Would you like to talk about it, or do you need some space first?”
Rushing to fix the problem can make them feel pressured. Instead, create a safe space where they can regulate first—then problem-solve when they’re ready.
4. “Your energy affects mine.”
- Instead of: Reacting with frustration, anxiety, or urgency.
- Try: Regulating yourself first before engaging.
If you’re feeling overwhelmed, take a moment to breathe, soften your body, and ground yourself before responding. Your calm presence helps their nervous system feel secure.
Practical Tools to Support Your Teen’s Emotional Regulation
✅ Co-Regulation Strategies
- Use a gentle tone, eye contact, and open body language.
- Offer physical grounding tools like a weighted blanket, a cold drink, or a warm hug (if they’re open to touch).
- Model self-regulation by taking deep breaths in front of them. (I have a few quick calming techniques in this free guide.)
✅ Help Them Build Awareness
- Teach them body cues for anxiety (e.g., racing heart, tight chest).
- Encourage simple regulation techniques like slow breathing, stretching, or shaking out their hands.
- Normalise that anxiety is a nervous system response, not a personal failure.
✅ Create a Safe Home Environment
- Reduce unnecessary stressors like overpacked schedules.
- Encourage downtime and screen-free connection (but don’t force it).
- Set predictable routines, as stability helps calm the nervous system.
Helping your teen feel safe and seen is the key
Your teenager’s anxiety is not a sign of failure—it’s a sign that their nervous system is overwhelmed. When you shift from trying to “fix” them to helping them feel safe and seen, you empower them to build lifelong emotional regulation skills.
By meeting their anxiety with calm, connection, and understanding, you become the anchor they need in their storm.
If you’re struggling to support your anxious teen, you’re not alone.
Understanding how our nervous system works, how family members can feed off each others stresses, and how we can support our kids and each other when feeling anxious and overwhelmed is something most of us don’t get taught when we become parents. Yet, it’s a life skill we all need!
When I learned to regulate my own emotions through self-reflection, mindfulness and meditation; and then adjusted how I communicated with our daughter, along with learning the concept of holding space when she hit rock bottom, so much changed – for the better!
This is why I now work with overwhelmed mothers to help you navigate this journey with practical tools and emotional support. If you’d like to explore this further, reach out—I’d love to help.
DM me in Instagram or Facebook or contact me here – and you can read my story here.
I currently offer 1:1 Online Holistic Counselling sessions. Also look out for my online program I am currently developing to support you through the challenging years of parenting teenagers who suffer from anxiety and related mental health issues.
